sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
2 things I hate;
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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Whoever said ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’ was lying, we love sleep.
Facebook has a link to “Report a Problem” so I wrote “I’m not very close with my father.” Now we wait I guess
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
THE CHIEF: It was a mission, you weren’t supposed to let it get personal.
ME: [kissing a missile] We’re getting married.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing