2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Meowchelangelo
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I drew y’all a little something.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out