My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
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Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the