2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
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[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
$4 #usedbooks
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.