2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS