If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…