@justjohnselby
[first date]
her: any weird habits?
me: i switch words at inconvenient times
[our wedding]
priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?
me: do i
@XplodingUnicorn
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
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@justjohnselby
@IvoryGazelle
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
@RidiculousSheri
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
@HolycrapitsaKat
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
@kieransofar
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
@mack44_d
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
@LlamaInaTux
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
@pajaritosimpson
Him: Do you know what I just forgot?
Me: You mean “just remembered”
Him: No
Me:
Him:
Me: No
Him: Shit
@TheGoodGodAbove
@michaelianblack
The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?