@XplodingUnicorn

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

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@justjohnselby

[first date]

her: any weird habits?

me: i switch words at inconvenient times

[our wedding]

priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?

me: do i

@IvoryGazelle

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

@HolycrapitsaKat

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

@kieransofar

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

@mack44_d

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

@pajaritosimpson

Him: Do you know what I just forgot?

Me: You mean “just remembered”

Him: No

Me:

Him:

Me: No

Him: Shit

@michaelianblack

The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?