2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife