2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

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[first date]

her: any weird habits?

me: i switch words at inconvenient times

[our wedding]

priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?

me: do i


You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.


Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.


No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.


blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!


It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.


Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man


Him: Do you know what I just forgot?

Me: You mean “just remembered”

Him: No



Me: No

Him: Shit


The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?