2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
You Might Also Like
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Me :
All Day At Night
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women