2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.