[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.


If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!


Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace


12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this



Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.


Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.


wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees


No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.


Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.