[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
You Might Also Like
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you