[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
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ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.