“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come