“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.