20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Science memes
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.