M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
armadillos should sound like accordions when they run
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best