@slimmy_shady

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

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@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

@WildeThingy

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

@KentWGraham

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

@jordan_stratton

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

@tgonefishin

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

@El_nacho_Nigre

So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

@CopernicusG

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best