@pittdave13

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

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@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@SofiaParedes79

When I’m bored I go around putting
these stickers on paper towel
dispensers

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@CheryeDavis

When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.

@KolourMeKapes

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

@hazelmotes1

When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.

@Ivsy01

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!