20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
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Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.