20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
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My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole