Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Don’t snitch tag.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
This forever.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
To the max.. 😂
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