20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin


My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.


Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”


23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?


Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective


I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank


If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.


People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer

Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.


It’s bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well