@21stcenturysahm

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

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@HomeProbably

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

@Marlebean

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

@CrockettForReal

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho

@KindOfASmartass

If I don’t make some serious changes to my life, they’ll never let me into the gates of heaven.

So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

@six_2_and_even

If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

@chrisdowning

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom