20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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Sorry not sorry.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup