@21stcenturysahm

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

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@murrman5

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

@Dadpression

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@perlhack

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

@causticbob

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

@BDGarp

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

@Rick_IZ

People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer

Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.

@Phook75

It’s bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well