20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
You Might Also Like
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Most fashion shows these days…
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.