Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
May have had one breakfast too many
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.