@grievre

20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives

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@csmith5050

Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?

@maughammom

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

@UnFitz

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

@shutupmikeginn

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

@jazmasta

[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Nah”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
“No”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…

@UncleDuke1969

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

@_Prozach74

Come here and listen close and carefully, I’m going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.

@sofarrsogud

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.