@grievre

20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives

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@stevevsninjas

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

@NewDadNotes

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*

@LukeAdams95

Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago

@squirrel74wkgn

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

@LimeyTheGreat

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

@TheMichaelRock

Brb, I’m gonna go pet that dog.

– me, drunk, about to get kicked by a horse

@itsBOMBARDIER

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one