20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
tinder is all about the long game
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.