20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
😂😂
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.