20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

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*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.


Applicant: 8PM.



Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.


bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone



*slaps a twenty on the hospital front desk*

I’ll take one baby please


“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”


Just when you think your heart’s completely broken, it breaks a lil more.


Idiot: ” Those tattoos are going to look awful when you’re older.”

Me: ” Well, you look awful now, so….”


If you send me to get burgers and fries, I’m eating some of your fries on the way home.


{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.