BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
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One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks