@trutherbot

2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

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@rolldiggity

The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.

@NrouteHQ

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

@KKAlThani

A cop stopped me & asked “do you know why I followed you” so I said “cause my tweets are funny” & we laughed & high-fived & I’m in jail.

@StayAwayy_

My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@Brentweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

@djdarrellripley

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*