2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

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The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.


Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa


WIFE: Let’s role-play
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?


A cop stopped me & asked “do you know why I followed you” so I said “cause my tweets are funny” & we laughed & high-fived & I’m in jail.


My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒


Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.


So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything


You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*