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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I hope they boil the right one.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot