@FeelParmesan

2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.

2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.

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@Cheeseboy22

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

@NewDadNotes

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@Qrabion

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@RidiculousSheri

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

@murrman5

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED