Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
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Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
finally
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.