2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.

2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.

You Might Also Like


Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”


[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?


SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot


a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready


I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.


I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.


Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am


[kidnapper hands wife phone]
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED