2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.

2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.

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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE


Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn


My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.


Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair


Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I donโ€™t feel so bad anymore.


Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.


Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.

Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.


*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!