Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.
2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Girls who say bestie are the worstie.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED