KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
2000: First cell phone. Downloads 100s of ringtones and custom notifications.
2017: Buys new cell phone. Mutes it right out of the box.
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.
Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!