The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
seems fine
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”