Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Many hands make light work
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.