2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
my dad has had enough
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?