2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.