[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Air conditioning – not a fan
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
That’s amazing.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab