20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Oh my God.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms