[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
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UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.