2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
This is why I hate group projects
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.