2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
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⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
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🔘 all of the above
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.