2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…