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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Well, shit
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.