*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation*
We’re fully booked
“Ahem, I’m Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69”
Sorry sir right this way
Reward me for consistency please
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
RIP is the LOL of dying…
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*