Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*
2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away
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This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’m giving up my husband for Lent.
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
MEDIC: “Put pressure on the wound!”
ME: “Hey, wound! All the cool kids are drinking and you should too!”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.