@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

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@ixix82

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

@philmann

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

@dril

oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal

@ZachWeiner

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

@leslid79

32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees

ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate

@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.

@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.