280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*
2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
In hell, your socks are always wet
oerdering 40 plates of baby back ribs on a stolen credit card so that i can get enough wet naps to clean my entire body #JustGuyShit #normal
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.
WIFE: Here, be careful. Lift with your knees
ME: My knees don’t have hands, how am I supposed to do that
WIFE: I don’t understand how you have a doctorate
I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.
*more than twice.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.