I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
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When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My work here is done
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that