@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

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@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

@lovejulieacafe

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

@shwebby2

Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states

“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”

@wendchymes

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

@mejustbeth

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

@rolldiggity

MEDIC: “Put pressure on the wound!”
ME: “Hey, wound! All the cool kids are drinking and you should too!”

@LeonEarlgrey

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

@_SingleBabyMama

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.