@owillis

2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2008: comin’
2009: almost
2010: any day
2011: seriously
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
2014: nope
2015: well

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@acakes421

My note that my mom found…
She hung it on the fridge for at least six months after I wrote it at 8-9yrs old.

@Introvert_Dad

Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne

@PJTLynch

My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

@dafloydsta

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

@Storminika

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

@jergarl

Me: OMG I’m so tired.

Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.

Me: I’m on it.

A: And Cheetos.

M: K.

@ParasiteHilton

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

@SatansTongue

6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much