I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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5.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me