2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Saturday
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂