[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“mainstream” = “white people found out”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.