@SortaBad

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

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@Tuna_Lover

I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.

@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

@CindyMeakin

<—- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.

@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

@Home_Halfway

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@jonnysun

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

@StellaGMaddox

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

@samiru27

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

@pleatedjeans

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees