2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

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[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?


Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.


Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.


Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”


Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?


Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want


Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.


I have decided I will never get down to my original weight. Besides 7.5 pounds is unrealistic anyway.