2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
You Might Also Like
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.