2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?


If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them


The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.


I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.


There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots


My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”


Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.


Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’