subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.