@emdoyl

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

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@DancesWithTamis

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

@ilovepie84

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

@Marlebean

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@thebeckyard

I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.

@Inferno_V

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

@TheAlexNevil

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’