2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
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When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.