@mllebeckyrose

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@Marlebean

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

@lildandeli0n

Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.

Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??

@sirmunchie

JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!

-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”

@WheelTod

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

@AndyAsAdjective

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

@truegritrumble

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

@Browtweaten

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol