2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.


*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what


Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.


The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high


“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.


when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”


At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.