@mllebeckyrose

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

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@dmc1138

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what

@AnniemuMary

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

@Pork_Chop_Hair

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

@YuckyTom

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

@SwedishCanary

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.