Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saturday

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.