Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’