2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Well, shit
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?