2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
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me, after any kind of buffet.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I need to get some bricks…
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.