[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow