2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I think it鈥檚 sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let鈥檚 just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 馃拃
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i鈥檇 pick kate middleton
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.