@ObscureGent

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

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@stockejock

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@gingerfaced

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

@juanadog

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

@eliyudin

“WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!” “EARTH” “WIND” “WATER” “FIRE” “HEART” “SELF-LOATHING” get outta here Eli “SORRY”

@novicefather

Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”

@Home_Halfway

I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people

@mjkspeaks

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

@TheRolo

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!