Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Everything that’s in sights.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
“WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED!” “EARTH” “WIND” “WATER” “FIRE” “HEART” “SELF-LOATHING” get outta here Eli “SORRY”
Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!