2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh